Band score: approximately 5.0
The answer below has been rated based on the public IELTS descriptors. Click the word or words in red to see the correction, and scroll to the bottom of the page to read our comments on the essay.
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic:
There are many benefits to a good education. Therefore, a university education should be offered to all students, not just students with good high school grades.
Do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
Education is often given to the children from their parents[expand title=”” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] This is not relevant to the topic and is arguably not true.[/expand]. It [expand title=”brought” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘can bring'[/expand] many advantages to people who have graduated in college such as [expand title=”having a job” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘being easier to obtain a job'[/expand].
[expand title=”I agree” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] in IELTS Task II, avoid using ‘I’ – change to something like ‘it can be argued that'[/expand] that [expand title=”universities” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] the question is about a university education, not giving people universities[/expand] should be offered to all [expand title=”the” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] delete this – it is students in general, not specific students[/expand] students and not just those who get [expand title=”a good high school grades” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘a good high school grade’ OR ‘good high school grades'[/expand]. Education has many benefits [expand title=”to us” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] delete this[/expand], most especially nowadays when [expand title=”we are” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] delete this[/expand] applying for a job. Usually, the [expand title=”person that will hire you” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ’employer'[/expand] will be looking at the educational background. Schools should treat students equally, in the sense that they should also give a chance to those students who do not have good grades because [expand title=”I believe” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] this is too personal – change to something like ‘there is a strong case to say that'[/expand] that the students that have low grades [expand title=”are” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘can sometimes be'[/expand] more successful than those who have [expand title=”high and good” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] just choose one of these[/expand] grades.
For example, I was a Medical Technology before I entered in the field of nursing. I had very low grades but the Dean of Nursing give me a chance to [expand title=”shift to nursing students” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘become a nursing student'[/expand] and so I did [expand title=”transfer to nursing” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] delete this – it is redundant[/expand] and [expand title=”had” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘scored’ or ‘obtained’ would be better[/expand] good grades. I [expand title=”had finished” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] delete this – the past simple is correct, not the past perfect[/expand] the [expand title=”course and graduated then eventually” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘course, graduated and then eventually'[/expand] became a registered nurse[expand title=”” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] this paragraph is too personal – see comments below[/expand].
In addition, [expand title=”the” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] delete this – you are referring generally[/expand] universities could also help [expand title=”our” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘the'[/expand] country by letting many students have [expand title=”a chance” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] this is too informal and would be better as ‘the opportunity'[/expand] to enter their [expand title=”school” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] the essay is about allowing entrance to university, not school[/expand]. By doing so, there will be many professionals and more people will have a chance to work in other countries[expand title=”” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] it is not immediately clear until later in the paragraph how this helps the country that allows students into university[/expand]. For instance, nurses are [expand title=”very in demand” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘in high demand'[/expand] abroad. Lots of [expand title=”the” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] delete ‘the'[/expand] nurses go overseas to work for experience and better income. In return [expand title=”they send” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘they may send'[/expand] money to [expand title=”this family” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘their families'[/expand] and with this our economy will improve.
In conclusion, each university should not choose students but they should be equal because everything in the world is equal[expand title=”” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] this is arguably not true and overly dramatic for IELTS[/expand] and so universities should allow people who have [expand title=”low IQs” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] this is a very different argument to whether those with low grades should be allowed to study[/expand] or low grades.
(293 words)
Comments:
This is a good length. However, the language used to present the writer’s opinions is often too informal for a Task II essay. It is important to avoid personal pronouns (I, we, you etc) and emotional expressions. Although the instructions for the Task say that you should ‘include relevant examples from your own experience’, this should not be presented in such a personal manner.
The essay also needs some balance. The writer has argued why people with good grades should enter university, but have not covered why they should NOT be allowed in. For example, the cost or the motivation to do well at school could have been mentioned.
There are also areas where the grammar is unclear, and the wrong word format is used (‘Medical Technology’ should be ‘Medical Technician’).